Emma (she/her) and her mother Lyle share their experience with Emma’s eating disorder. Video produced with support from the Victorian Department of Health.

Transcript

Emma: I developed an eating disorder when I was 11 years old. I guess the trigger was pulled by going to a pediatrician and getting support in losing weight, because I had been bullied for being in a bigger body as a child.

Lyle: The first I noticed was when she became far more fixated about what types of food she was eating and amounts. She was focusing more on exercise. And these things became quite… obsessive, I suppose.

Emma: There was a bit of a flip to having gone or taking it too far. It did feel like something else was dictating my life beyond myself. Because I couldn’t distinguish between myself and this other entity, this eating disorder. It really is something that is like a different… some sort of force inside you that’s forcing you to go against your values and go against your goals and actually destroy yourself. It felt like this real push and pull, and then sometimes it just felt like it was my eating disorder completely in control, and I didn’t even feel like there was any me left. I got to a point where I think I was very much sick of being sick, and wanted something more. I think that was when I actually came to the realisation that if I was going to recover completely, I had to take ownership of it.

Lyle: I’d become hopeful when she would start talking about wanting to change or get better. But then she’d have an admission to a hospital. To have your hope dashed so many times became really, really difficult. To the point that you almost stopped holding hope. And yet, I think having hope is the one thing that helps you keep going.

Emma: Getting better felt really scary. It’s like two parts of your brain fighting against each other, and sometimes that part that wants to get better is so, so, so small.

Lyle: For some years after Emma had entered recovery I would still be anxious that she would relapse again. That sort of anxiety was there for a long time, but it’s gone now.

Emma: Recovery and being recovered has allowed me to figure out the kind of connections I want and who I want to spend my time with and who I want to spend my life with. I consider my parents like some of my best- like two of my best friends. They’ve helped me through everything.

Lyle: My relationship with Emma is excellent. It is wonderful. It is a delight to see her to be so at ease with herself. So engaged with life and living.

Emma: Something that I always like to say with recovery is that it’s not just about the big goals, but also the little moments that I couldn’t enjoy when I was unwell. Because I think those are the ones that… those little moments build up to that fulfilling life.