Parents often experience many different feelings as they learn to cope with the effects of the eating disorder on their child and how it impacts their own lives.

 There is no ‘right’ way to feel about your child developing an eating disorder. It can be an incredibly confusing, sad and scary environment and the strain of living with the eating disorder can create tensions and divisions within a family. Each person involved will be affected in different ways. Common reactions include:

Confusion about:

• The eating disorder and recovery process
• Why this has happened
• The best way to handle the illness in the family
• Knowing what to say and how to say it
• How to support your child

Grief and anger about:

• Loss of your child’s mental and physical health
• Change in your child’s behaviour, denial of problem and/or refusal to get help
• The difficulties or changes the eating disorder is creating in the family
• Not being able to make your child well
• Loss of time alone and/or with other family members/friends
• Loss of trust for your child who may behave deceptively
• Feeling a loss for your child who may have lost sight of their goals and ambitions

Guilt or fear about:

• Being responsible for the eating disorder
• Not recognising the eating disorder earlier
• Not providing effective support and help that is required to promote recovery
• That your child may not recover

Discovering that your child has an eating disorder can be an extremely confusing, frustrating and painful experience. But don’t give up hope — recovery is possible and you play an important part in that process.

While these feelings are completely normal, parents need to remember to take time out for themselves to restore energy. Moreover, parents often neglect to find support for themselves, which would assist them in managing their own emotions. It is important to balance the health of the person you are caring for with your own wellness and health. Looking after yourself will also make you better able to support a loved one.

Many parents feel they need to maintain a strong demeanour in order to provide the support and love necessary in caring for a child with an eating disorder. However, the reality is many parents will often switch between feeling distraught, guilty, exhausted and defeated at times, and strong, optimistic and joyful at others.

Looking after someone with an eating disorder, especially your child, is a rollercoaster ride. Below are some tips on how to not only provide the best care possible for your child during their recovery — but look after yourself as well.

Communication

Communication is essential both in promoting your child’s recovery, as well as ensuring the eating disorder does not take over the lives and interactions of everybody in your family. Being aware of how each person in the family communicates with each other is important. Calm, clear, concise communication is the best approach with everyone.

It’s important to remember that people with eating disorders often go to great lengths to hide their illness from the people they love. Even once the illness has been diagnosed and a recovery plan put in place, your child might be embarrassed or ashamed to admit they had a relapse. That’s why communication is so important — your child needs to know that they can come to you and keep you informed at every stage of this process.

Knowledge and information

Try to find out as much as you can about your child’s specific illness and eating disorders and mental health in general. Being informed is a crucial step in not only equipping yourself with the skills and strategies for supporting your child — it will also help you to understand and empathise with what they are going through, which will help the relationship.

There is a wealth of information available on this website, on other websites and in books that will provide background facts about eating disorders. Eating Disorders Victoria also has an extensive range of resources for families and friends in our library, which is available to our members.

Be a role model

Role model healthy behaviours and attitudes towards food, weight and body image. Talk to children about their self-image, make sure they are exposed to different body shapes and encourage them to see their bodies as vessels that allow them to do things that they enjoy — and that it is the things they enjoy that define them, not their bodies.

Teach them about the pitfalls of dieting and demonstrate healthy eating behaviours, such as eating intuitively (i.e. when you are hungry) and not making a big fuss when eating either so-called ‘bad’ or ‘good’ foods. For example, if you are eating a salad, don’t be overly congratulatory or proud of yourself. If you eat some cake, don’t berate yourself. Practice mindful eating. Mindful eating is a simple-to-learn life skill that can lead people to enjoy a satisfying, healthy and enjoyable relationship with food. It is a skill that can help people break free from ‘food rules’ and begin to enjoy healthy, flexible and relaxed eating practices.

Mindful eating is not a diet. Mindful eating is about the way we eat, not what we eat

Supporting other family members

If you have other children, share what you know about eating disorders, including strategies on how to best support their brother or sister towards recovery.

Try not to let the needs of the child with the eating disorder overshadow the needs of siblings. Try to give as much time and attention to your other children as possible. Communication is key in ensuring other siblings understand the eating disorder and are equipped with knowledge in how to best support their sibling.

Explain that this is an important time in their sibling’s life and while you may be directing a lot of your time and energy to the child with the eating disorder, this situation will not be forever and your love for them is just as strong.

Be aware that the distress of siblings can be very acute and is often hidden so as not to burden parents. Encourage siblings to take part in open communication with you and other people in their support network. Encourage them to express their range of feelings about how they are coping with the situation. In addition, try to ensure other siblings are provided with the opportunity to take part in social or leisure activities, which will allow them to pursue their own interests outside of the home.

Seek support

Seek support for yourself whenever you are feeling overwhelmed. You may consider going to see a counsellor or opening up and sharing with somebody in your own support network. Services like the EDV Hub are also here to offer you with support and information, including about EDV’s services that are available specifically to support carers.

The main thing to remember is that it’s not your fault that your child has an eating disorder. Organisations from around the world, including the Academy for Eating Disorders, the American Psychiatric Association, and the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), have published research that indicates that parents don’t cause eating disorders.

As NEDA writes, “Parents, especially mothers, were traditionally blamed for their child’s disorder, but more recent research supports that eating disorders have a strong biological root. Eating disorders develop differently for each person affected, and there is not a single set of rules that parents can follow to guarantee prevention of an eating disorder, however there are things everyone in the family system can do to play a role in creating a recovery-promoting environment. Psychologists have seen improvements in the speed at which children and adolescents begin to recover when including parents in the treatment process.”

Self care

As a parent caring for a child with an eating disorder, you will often be asked how you are taking care of yourself. Traditional notions of self care may not be possible or accessible when you are caring for your child, so you may need to re-imagine what you consider self care to look like.

We asked our Carer team what self care looked like for them when their loved one was unwell. Here’s their top tips:

• “We made our family world small. Stopped all non critical events, including family birthdays and extra curricular activities.
• “Asked friends and family to help with our other children to give the siblings a break from the stress.”
• “Took regular time out to recharge – ten minutes hiding in the panty, half-hour for a walk!”
• “Forgave myself when things didn’t go to plan and practiced modeling imperfection!”
• “Asked friends to do the groceries or cook (just as they would offer to do with any other serious illness).”
• “Saw the eating disorder as the common enemy, not my husband or child.”
• “Educated ourselves so that we understood what to expect.”
• “Attended my GP for a mental health plan and saw a psychologist to support me so that I felt strengthened to support my daughter.”

Acknowledge setbacks in recovery

In order to manage your own expectations and hopes, it’s important to keep in mind that setbacks are a normal part of recovery.

Try to take every day as it comes. While relapses can seem devastating, it is best to view them as an opportunity for your child to learn how to better handle future situations. Each setback that they overcome will leave them stronger and wiser, and these are all building blocks in the recovery process. Recognition of the triggers or causes of setbacks can be the only way that a person learns about them and learns to anticipate and prepare for them.

Remember recovery is a process, not an end point — consider recovery as the process of healing, rather than an outcome. Many people want to know when the person they love will be recovered and back to their old selves. For most people, there will be no particular day, event or marker that will indicate that they are ‘recovered.’ Recovery can involve personal discovery, re-learning, challenges, achievements and setbacks. For many people, it is just the beginning of a life-long process of being more aware of who they are and what is important to them. Often, people won’t go back to being their old selves, because their recovery is a positive learning experience resulting in significant personal growth.