Ambivalence is when you have mixed feelings, or feel ‘in two minds’. If you have an eating disorder, this looks like being unsure about your desire to recover.

Ambivalence in recovery is very common and normal. This is because even if you have a strong desire to get better, the eating disorder patterns may be serving a purpose for you right now.

These patterns might:

• give you a sense of safety
• feel familiar
• protect you from the unknown
• help you get through hard situations
• be a way to mitigate physical discomfort or sensory challenges
• feel aligned to a particular appearance ideal
• be a way to avoid or cope with difficult feelings.

Life might feel completely overwhelming, and you may feel this is the only thing you can use to feel stable. Remember that recovery is never linear, and this is all part of the journey.

“For me, ambivalence in recovery looked like attending weekly appointments with my psychologist and dietitian. In these sessions we came up with a plan for the upcoming week which in the moment I was determined to action.

“However, once I got home uncertainty and fear about recovery crept in and I would not even try to implement anything we had discussed.

“Despite having all the best intentions during the appointments, I struggled to action the recovery-focused behaviours. For me, ambivalence to recovery showed up for many many years.

“It wasn’t until I truly became sick of being sick that I felt ready to really give recovery a proper go and leave the ambivalent mindset behind.”

—Heather

“Ambivalence showed up for me often in the form of denial. For the first ten years, I was in denial that I even had an issue in my relationship with my body and eating.

“I strongly recall times when peers or people in my community would give me compliments on my appearance (during times when I was restricting). I remember a positive feeling from getting that kind of attention.

“Looking back, I recognise that those moments and that feeling were only fleeting. They were never enough to boost and sustain my self-esteem long-term.

“The cost of my ED became greater than the payoff. I was living with constant feelings of distress, anxiety, hopelessness, shame and hiding things from the people who were most important to me.”

—Sophie

The diagram below represents what ambivalence can look like in recovery. We can often have the unrealistic expectation that recovery is a straight line, always going upwards. In reality, it’s a combination of ups and downs and steps left and right. Ambivalence can show up at any point along the journey.

Diagram inspired by original artwork by James Castorina: The Truth About Mental Health Recovery – The Caring Counselor.

“I can see now that those feelings were often fear. Fear about consequences of gaining weight, of not being labelled ‘ill’ anymore and therefore having more demanded of me, fear that I wouldn’t cope with those new demands.

“Or maybe fear that there would be nothing of the real ‘me’ left once you took away the illness. Anorexia had stripped away so much of what made me feel like a person, and I didn’t know yet what else I would gain.

“Especially when I was in quasi-recovery (seemingly ‘better’ but still struggling) and studying for an image-based industry, there was fear about looking and being treated differently if my body changed.

“I think there was even a bit of confusion about what a healthy relationship with food and body even was, because there was a lot of disordered commentary around me and in the media – maybe this was normal and fine?

“Or, if I was able to keep up with life demands along with active eating disorder behaviours, then maybe there was nothing really wrong?”

—Anonymous

Name your feelings and emotions. What’s going on for you right now? How do you feel when you are motivated to recover, and how do you feel when you want to stay with the eating disorder? It can help to share this with a trusted loved one or treatment professional. Even just sharing with one person can help you feel less alone.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Recovery is not linear. It takes time, and it can often be challenging. Remember to be patient with the process and not be hard on yourself.

Find things which bring you joy and incorporate them into your day. Whether that be a swim at the beach, lighting a candle, a warm cup of tea or talking to your best friend on the phone. Creating distance, even for short moments, between you and the eating disorder is vital to overcome ambivalence.

Identify what you want outside of the eating disorder. This may include:

• writing a list
• creating a vision board
• journalling about of all the things you want to do in your life which are out of reach while you have the eating disorder.

Looking beyond the eating disorder can give you a sense of purpose for recovery. It gives you something else to set goals around and focus on.

Connect your loved ones with EDV so they can get some tips on how to best support you during these times.

Find a mental health professional with expertise in eating disorders, and/or a peer worker. This should be someone who you feel safe to open up to and talk to about your ambivalence.

“At the time I was most ambivalent, I was throwing myself into work and study. This led me to experiences that eventually strengthened my resolve to recover, but being so busy made it hard to do the self-reflection and self-care I needed.

“However, I started learning about the concept of self-compassion at this time, and started learning that you could change the way you spoke to yourself, your ‘inner voice’ and intentionally use kind, compassionate and soothing language in times of distress. This started building up a bit of confidence and trust in myself.

“I was also learning about the true needs of the body energy-wise – and experiencing how trying to hold onto disordered habits meant being ‘at war’ with my mind and body, and feeling how that was in direct opposition to the one I was attempting to cultivate internally.”

—Anonymous

“A big [thing that helped move me out of ambivalence] was information. Understanding the science behind eating disorders and recovery and that there were paths to recovery; that lots of people before me had reached recovery, reading their stories.

“For me it was also understanding and accepting that my body had a natural weight-set point and I needed to rest and refeed to find freedom.

“But I think ultimately it was my values peeking through (and becoming clearer through different experiences) that gave me the strength to continue with recovery despite this ambivalence and questioning.

“I didn’t want to simply ‘succeed’ in these narrow and damaging ways. I wanted to be a present friend, have healthy relationships, care about wider world issues again, and experience life to the fullest. I wanted to stop harming myself, stop struggling and start living — to give myself the best chance at living a good life.”

—Anonymous

Below, EDV Carer Coach Annabel shares her experience responding to her daughter’s ambivalence in recovery.

Watching my daughter battle an ED was a very frightening and stressful time. And there were times when it felt that she was hesitant to recover. This added an extra layer of fear and frustration. Here are some things that helped me through these times:

• I found it super helpful to talk about the ‘future’ (life beyond the ED). For example, we would chat about potential uni courses, overseas travel (backpacking), and part-time jobs. While I enjoyed this and provided me with a sense of hope, the reality was, I hoped it would spark a change in her thinking.
• When appropriate, I’d remind my daughter of all her wonderful characteristics and attributes, and all the things she was good at. I figured if her self-worth was taking a beating, building her confidence might support her capacity to change.
• Finally – I tried to give her lots and lots of love. I remember someone saying to me, “there’s no such thing as giving your child too much love. Love is what they need right now”.